The Great De-bait

How many gays/queers have ever seen a person and were like, you know what let me shoot my shot, thinking that the other person is as well. Instead, you were met with, “Oh bro, I’m not gay but I’m flattered. You’re so cool,” and it leaves you standing in your tracks, looking confused and wanting to say, “bitch” so quickly. I’m not saying that there are mannerisms or speech patterns that make you gay (even though we all operate under the opposite thought in our inner gay circles) but every sexually active adult should be able to sense when someone is flirting. However, there is a breed of people out here in these streets who get off being the object of affection/attention from gay/queer people. They’re called Gay Baiters and them niggas just suck, point, period. I’m also here to say that some of them do in fact, be gay.

Gay/Queer Baiter – okay so I couldn’t find a definition online that satisfied, so we’ll go with this. A person who actively flirts shows affection to a gay/queer individual with no intention of being romantic or sexual with them but does it for the attention and adoration of said individual or group.

From personal experience, the shit sucks. I’m sitting there with my feelings just fucking shattered and I have a desire to destroy everything but some asshole is assuring me that I’m a cool person and that I’m their gay spouse. Girl, get the fuck out of my face, please. I guess from a mental point, I can see the allure of knowing that you’re deemed attractive enough to be desired by a group of people you’re not considering but the act is something to really sit down on someone’s couch and unpack.

Gay Baiters tend to excessively flirt, give pet names to a gay/queer individual and say things like “I’m not gay, but if I were, I’d be with you,” or claim to wish they were appreciated by women like men appreciate them. Whether they are curious or not is up to discussion. 

Storytime. One night, I’m at a rave and I’m looking for cigarettes like a hoe who just did an eight-hour job. This international student gives me a light and really starts talking with me, but at the time I think nothing of it. Fast forward we run into each other a few times, make small talk, and smoke squares. One day we randomly walk into each other and he invites me out for drinks since some of his friends were unavailable for the month and me not having anything to do and having a mild curiosity for a guy not from the trailer park that is the U.S.A, I agreed.

We arrive at a hole in the wall bar and off the muscle, I’m trying to drink. Those who have drunk with me before know that I don’t bitch out once I start, but personally, I hate it. We get to drinking and he starts asking me some invasive questions. I didn’t mind because I thought he was cute. He’s giving sly compliments and telling me how I was so cool for living how I live. Then we get to the gay shit. Keep in mind that not every baiter is gay/queer, but they definitely do say and entertain gay shit. This ain’t an example of the former. The next thing I know we’re in the ally kissing each other, he grabbing my ass and now we both sucking dick like low rent workers in the cut. Of course, my basic ass thought it was the time of my life and that omg, I may have found a potential partner…girl, basic as cable. I even wrote in my journal grinning like a Cheshire cat.

So the next morning I wake up, shoot him a text hoping to chill and maybe smoke and shoot the shit. I got curbed so hard with the, “I’m not gay and I don’t do this often” so quickly my wig flew off. Like nigga, my dick was in your mouth and you’re telling me this. Of course, it was a blow to my ego, but nothing I couldn’t handle. Needless to say, I felt the same irritation I’ve felt from the ones who just do it for attention and not closet cases.

I really don’t know what to make of people like this, it’s not my place to judge but what I can say is it’s annoying and it’s unfair to the actual queer people who may develop feelings from that person’s attention-seeking.

Either put your foot in the gay pond all the way or leave us the fuck alone,

The Lazy Hoe

Actually, Sexuality

I remember when growing up, the older people would always complain about sex being too much in media. I understood, by comparison, it appeared that way, especially since shows like I Love Lucy had to gradually get married couples into the same bed, but I always felt like it was one big cap. It wasn’t like it was bitches going wild on the dick on the screen, but I can agree that television was more sexually centered than previous decades. Even though I grew up in a time where sexuality was displayed and explained at a rate higher than any time that proceeded it, it’s apparent to me that through online interaction that it kind of went over the heads of a lot of my peer

There are three definitions of sexuality.

1. (n) Capacity for sexual feelings
2. A person’s identity in relation to the gender or genders to which they are typically attracted; sexual orientation.
3. Sexual Activity

Due to the pressing need for explanation, I think it’s best to focus on the first two definitions. Any person who is or has experienced puberty is capable to have the capacity to experience sexual feelings, with the exception of Asexual individuals, who if I’m correctly speaking, don’t have sexual feelings or act on them.

The second definition hits the nail on the head as far as the content I’m focusing on. I spoke about identity with gender, but sexuality also plays a part in identity as well. This is the part where we get into the anti-cliche of “labels” that we all have grown up with.

Homosexual – (n)a person who is sexually attracted to people of their own sex, (adj) (of a person) sexually attracted to people of one’s own sex.

• Gay – (of a person) homosexual (used especially of a man). This includes Transmen who are attracted to cis or other trans men. (Even as NB, I identify as gay)
• Lesbian – relating to gay women or to homosexuality in women. The same goes for Transwomen who are attracted to Trans or Cis women.

Bisexual –  sexually attracted not exclusively to people of one particular gender; attracted to both men and women.

Pansexual – not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.

Demisexual – only feel sexual attraction to another person if they form a strong emotional bond or connection with them first.

Asexual – not involving sexual activity, feelings, or associations; nonsexual

Because sexuality can be tied to identity, I think that’s where a lot of general confusion comes in when it comes to sexuality and gender, such as people who think that a Cis man who loves transwomen are gay or vice versa, when in fact they are heterosexual by definition. 

I think it’s become so ingrained in us that the world is either or and that things are fixed once we give them a label and that couldn’t be further from the truth. The Kinsey Scale was a test that though kind of outdated, it presented to the world that sexuality is fluid and not stoic. It was used in research to determine, and don’t laugh, how straight someone was to the scale of how gay they were based off of ones experiences or responses.

Sexuality has always been a taboo subject for most, making people uncomfortable or revealing the blatant ignorance in their lack of knowledge of the topic. While I do believe that most of us who can access this blog, have the same ways to look up information, that when it comes to sexuality, we should be vigilant in our teachings. I say this because sexuality is something that shouldn’t make people cringe, embarrassed, or misunderstood. It’s just as important to someone’s identity as any other identifier. 

Relax, It’s just sex…

The Lazy Hoe

It’s the Expression for Me

First of all I want to say thank you to all who have liked my facebook page The Lazy Hoe, and actually click the shits and reading my shit. I do apologize for not being consistent every week, but I honest as shit didn’t know that grad school required  work work. “I was just here for the cash.” I mean sorta but like let me dode on school so far before getting into it.

So far I’ve actually been learning shit about craft and acknowledging and claiming my voice in the literary world. NGL, I really thought that some aspects of this would be bullshit, but like I’m legit learning and slowly feeling my value grow. Reinforcement is a bitch for some people and I’m real enough to be upfront about it. Yesterday I received my course review from the heads of my department and their words moved me, the queen of thinking everyone is full of shit. I’m just really grateful that I have a space of peace and where I can dare to explore without hesitation. It gives me hope in making this more than a wordpress blog and really having a voice in this world. I said I was going to school and here I am, so why not a real site and a podcast?

Anywhoooo. Last time I talked about my personal experience as a black non-binary person and how we can all learn to keep it cute when it comes to addressing people and using them/they. If you didn’t, it’s literally the post before this one…you can always come back, it’s really good I think. This week I want to talk about Gender Expression.

What’s Gender Expression? It’s basically how a person presents themself,  by that I mean it’s a person’s mannerisms, interest and appearance that’s always associated with a gender, at least in American culture. It tethers between femininity and masculinity, gender roles and stereotypes.  I think I chose this because too many people link gender expression with sexuality and that’s almost never the case. I remember the first guy I saw who painted his nails and had eyeshadow on was fine as fuck and he was masculine as fuck and I think straight. 

Growing up most of us but I know mostly in the black community, we were told straight up what was meant for girls and what is meant for boys. Pink is for girls, blue is for boys, boys can’t be cheerleaders or the pink ranger, etc…a bitch heard it all and it honestly caused me to hate who I was because everything that I wanted to do, I wasn’t suppose to and I really think I stunted myself in a lot of areas because of it. Like dressing like straight niggas….it’s ashy and it tends to rub off on you. If it hadn’t been for my best friends bringing style back to who I was, I would still be lost…I type this as I’m in a pink hoodie and ugly black jeans.

I feel like when children aren’t allowed to express themselves, and see people who do the same of them it can be more limiting than damaging. For example, my little cousins saw me one time with my nails painted and my little cousin Kai asked me why I had my nails painted and that it was for girls. I know for a fact the kids don’t know what NB is, so I simply said that anyone who can afford to get their nails done, can get their nails done. Their mom was nervous about them asking certain questions, but we really should never be. Kids are smarter than adults perceive, plus they love Lil Nas X, so I doubt that anything about one’s expression can shock kids. They just are curious and will ask when something contradicts what they’ve been taught.

This was a little short but I hope that everyone who reads this takes this much from it. If you see a masculine presenting person in a dress, compliment it if it’s cute. You see a fem presenting person wearing a taper fade and “men’s clothing” tell them how handsome they look or asked who they got their line up from. I urge everyone but especially millennials, don’t be like your ashy ass parents. Don’t make it “weird” or “awkward”, just accept people for who they are and how they present themselves to the world.

Keep it cute and express yoself,

The Lazy Hoe

Breaking the Binary

Are you a boy or a girl? A phrase that always made me tense with an inner eye roll that occurred every time a curious child or an asshole adult wanted to question my gender. As for recent, gender has been the forefront of American Social Discussion as well as identity and sexuality and I couldn’t be more proud to be alive during this time. 

The definition of Non-Binary is not relating to, composed of, or involving just two things. It is denoting or relating to a gender or sexual identity that is not defined in terms of traditional binary oppositions such as male and female or homosexual and heterosexual.

In 2019, I “came out” as Non-Binary and I was finally able to grasp a hold of apart of my identity that I always struggled with. Coming from the south, it’s either gay or nah and that’s only in regards to sexuality, but not to how I felt. Growing up in Texas, I was greeted by the harsh reality that I was different. At year three I knew what a “f*g” and a “p*nk” was because this was what an adult told me who I was. As I grew older, I tried to mimic or become what I was “supposed” to be based off society standards, but it never really stuck and I wasn’t very good at it. I remember wrapping a towel over my head pretending it was my hair, and sneaking into my mom’s lipstick to try it on and playing with Barbies because of a natural curiosity but mainly because it was stuff that I wasn’t supposed to like or do. I “knew” I wasn’t a girl…but I never felt like I was a boy either. From my interest and even to my biological response. During puberty, my muscle mass was non-existent, I had a rounder face than other boys and my voice dropped like ½ an octave at best. I found I could relate to men only because I was forced to be surrounded by many a straight ones, and I thought that once I accepted my sexuality for men, then I’d be accepted as a gay man…but that aint’ really work out either. I was too “masc” for some “straight” men and too “fem” for the gays, leaving me in a weird space to try to develop normally in dating. However, I did  find that many out of the closet men preferred my company because as one had put it, I was the best of “both” worlds.

I would love to lie and say that my experience as a Black Non-Binary person has been a total success but I’m once again reminded that I don’t have the luxury as some of my white counterparts to express who I am and my identity and even respected as such. That’s a whole other can of worms but keep in mind that the plate of equality is not always well distributed amongst all people and that’s due to our social upbringings and prejudices. 

I assumed that once I came out as Non-Binary that people would respect everything about that. That included my name preference (if you know my birth name you can choke) and my personal pronouns, but that has not always been the case. My family still uses he/him, some of my good friends (which I know it’s not out of spite or ill will) but it’s opened my eyes at how educated some people are on gender and that includes members of the LGBTQIA+ community as well.

Misgendering refers to (someone, especially a transgender/Non-Binary person) using a word, especially a pronoun or form of address, that does not correctly reflect the gender with which they identify. This includes referring to someone by their birth or “dead” name (not that not all trans or nonbinary people change their name and that’s okay too). While I understand that changing your way of thought can be challenging, I found that you can’t go wrong by using they/them for people and making identity more neutral. So instead of calling someone a man or woman call them a person or individual. 

Non-Binary isn’t new to the world but it’s new to the realm of being respected and heard in this current culture that we live in. Remember that Non-Binary isn’t synonymous to androgynous or ambiguous. A Non-Binary person can also be trans and they are not mutually exclusive to one another. While I’m on the subject, trans people are not obligated to transition physically or even resemble what you think they should look like.

Remember it’s okay to ask general questions (never one asking one’s gender) and try to get better. With practice and respect….I believe we all can get there.

Respectfully, I’m a person who loves men, not gay.

The Lazy Hoe

Celibacy: An Overrated Experience

First of all, stop what you’re doing and google search “celibacy” and look at the images…just so you know that my feelings that I express on this blog aren’t warranted or not natural.

It’s a new month and my like has taken a major shift from where I once was, I reflect over the last three months of my life and where exactly I have gotten myself. Three months ago, I decided to stop having sex, cold turkey. I know right? I love talking hoe shit and call myself The Lazy Hoe, but for me, sex was my life. It consumed me and being completely transparent, it’s what helped fuel my addiction. At first, I did this merely to focus on getting into graduate school, but the longer I went the more I started seeing things I didn’t like about myself.

I’m not the most vulnerable person in the world, but I do believe that we are all having a human experience and that people have similar experiences and feelings but it’s not often spoken out loud or shared. I want to help others and at the same time, show that I haven’t always been the bitch that I will become and that it was a journey for me.

Since being celibate, the first thing I noticed immediately is that my phone stop getting traction when I told guys who I’ve had sex with I just wanted to hang out or that I was focusing on getting my life back on track seriously. I was met with the “Oh, cool” and “I’m happy for you” text but aside from that I noticed a huge shift. I casually joke that I was a “good time” girl, but I had no idea how that would affect how I see and feel about myself. Side note, I do however recommend abstaining for a little sec, because for some reason people tend to gravitate to you and flirt more often…if I were a biologist or something I would look into that.

What was once affirmed to me by through the acts of sex are no longer present and it often made/makes me question, is that all I can offer to anyone? I’m not a dumb bitch, I’m pretty down to Mars and I try to be my most less toxic self every day of this wretched existence. While I was proud to have once again done something I said I would do and last as long as I have, I sometimes don’t like who I am currently because of it.

While being celibate can be a very positive thing, getting to know yourself outside of your sexual self, learning what you want from life and out of a partner, and focus on going about the ways to better oneself, it’s a lot of bad habits that spread for me personally, primarily that in my friendships. I’ve always had a complex about myself, I wasn’t masculine enough, I’m not skinny (even when I was, I wasn’t), I’ll stop just so I won’t sound like the nerd boys who complain about women who don’t want them nshit, but it’s affected me well into my adult-adulthood and how I see myself. Add men into the equation and I’m a hot fucking mess emotionally and psychologically. With the absence of sex, I began to notice that every relationship I’ve had with a male/man has been one of me seeking emotional validation of being wanted in a way outside of sex…what I think I’ve been craving secretly, emotional intimacy. However, I think it became toxic because I wanted more in some areas that a friendship isn’t supposed to provide. At times I could find myself jealous of not having their attention or time and even get mad at myself for baring myself to them with not so platonic motivations. This isn’t to say I entered any friendship thinking it was gonna be a boyfriend situation, but what I was no longer receiving from sex, I was desperately clawing at with male attention.

With that being said, I want to apologize to the men in my life because even though I didn’t necessarily do anything wrong,  a bitch tries to be about boundaries and I mean that.

The positive I’ve drawn from this experience is that sex doesn’t control my life. I was able to make something happen in my life with no distraction, I’ve learned that while I enjoy sex, that I do want more than just that. While I am a sexual being, I’m more than that and I think this time has given me an appreciation for all the other things that make me special.

Self reflection is a good thing, and it’s not always good feels and positive vibes…sometimes you get shit like this and I believe that sharing it and being honest with yourself can help you push past anything that can be remotely toxic. Who knows, one day I’ll have sex with someone I actually like and that’s something to look forward to.

Until then, I’ll just get some toys and focus on creating that rich bitch life I desperately fantasize about.

Where do you get your toys?

The Lazy Hoe

Okay America…What Now?

As I sit here watching the inauguration, I can’t help but think about the millions of pissed off racist watching and commenting on social media, and I can’t help but think of America, good job sis, good job. With people showing solidarity in wearing a mask, social distancing, showing the proper social etiquette with the tradition of moving into a new administration and having celebrities sing patriotic songs that evoke “patriotism” as well as giving Jeniffer Lopez a platform to sing, which in my opinion, was an “eh” moment but I get what it represents, especially since ICE was going HAM on Latinx people, especially in the last four years.

While this is all appreciated, one can’t help but think of how we will move forward. Will we truly move forward, or will we merely adopt a disguise that looks like progression but still being served oppression by the bodies that govern us? 

Saying things like “democracy has prevailed” and using words like “hope” and vowing to “unify” us is all cute but for a Queer Black Person….I find this to be very hard to trust. 

For the last four years, we’ve witnessed bullying justified (the mocking of a reporter with a disability), open racism and hate crimes (building the wall, black people hanging from trees in 2019, multiple killings of black people at the hands of police and getting away with it, internment camps) social irresponsibility (the handling of COVID-19) and the rich elderly (congress) bickering about what’s appropriate to help the people they are supposed to serve and instead of stalling for weeks.

I don’t want to appear unpatriotic but the definition of a patriot is someone who vigorously supports their country and is prepared to defend it against enemies or detractors. Now while I will never participate in organizations based on imperialism, I will critique and speak up about the shortcomings of the country I’m supposed to love. While I know that change doesn’t happen overnight, staying aware of what needs to be fixed and demanding that change is imperative. 

We need access to vaccinations, living wages, abolishing (not defunding) the police and ICE (because these are organizations that have terrorized American citizens), getting old rich people out of office (they make and dictate laws that 9/10 don’t affect them in any way, shape, form or fashion) destroying the private prison industry, legalizing marijuana and releasing people from prison who had their lives destroyed because of it, and still demanding reparations for black people. 

While some will argue that it’s easier said than done and that “keyboard warriors” stir the pot instead of serving a real purpose, I feel that people have to constantly speak up about what needs to be done, the people who need to work are the people who are elected into their offices and it’s up to us to continue to remind them that they are public servants.

Don’t be okay with the Okie-Doke America,

The Lazy Hoe

If You’re Sexually Active…Chances are You’ve Been Burned…or Will Be

So the title may be a little crass, but it’s a reality that I found one too many sexually active adults don’t like to acknowledge. Part of this misunderstanding of the chances one has to contract and the ugly stigma of the kind of people who have STIs and the behavior associated with promiscuity. 

STD and STI are usually used interchangeably, which I can get the confusion on similarity but let me help y’all out. An STI is an infection that’s contracted or passed from sexual contact and it has YET to develop into a disease. An STD is a disease that has developed due to infection. It’s a new kinda wave to use STI because there’s less of a stigma with those initials than STD.

Now more than ever we have all sorts of ways to protect ourselves, be it the traditional condom and dental dams, to the “pill” be it birth control or the day after, we got options. Hell, for men they even have Truvada and Descovey. Of course, condoms have the 98% success rate of preventing pregnancy, and have been proven to be a good barrier for STIs. However, just make sure that you change condoms every time you change a vag or an asshole. Truvada for PREP provides 92-99 percent reduction in infection rate. 

I had to get my sexual education from here and there sources, things I learned along the way, it was a hot ass mess, but I made it my mission to become sexually intelligent, because I didn’t even get the talk when I was a kid, yet alone the gay version, which I could have desperately used. 

The first time I ever contracted and STI, I was 19, a college freshman and afraid for my fucking life. I thought I was going to die but then I remembered that they said I had Chlamydia and not HIV…which you know, growing up gay in the 2000s…it was still a very much scary type of thing to fear. Well a week of no sex and antiobiotics cleared that right the fuck up and what made me not to be ashamed of getting an STI was that almost everyone I knew where I stayed in the dorms was going to the same Planned Parenthood, leaving with the same brown bags as I did. My second run in with getting burned, was around twenty-eight. I was now into the party scene and once I was on Truvada, I was fucking everybody bareback AF. So of course I got my first run in with Gonorrhea. Since then I’ve had Gonorrhea (the second time I had to go to the clinic right before a shift at work and get some shots in my ass and some pink pills) and Chlamydia to remind me that she’s still out there too…looking and waiting. 

Last summer, when I was a hot mess and I had just came back to texas and had to live out of a Motel 6 for a week, I met a guy on Grindr who was attractive as fuck, he wa thick and he had a big ass dick…not that I’m a size queen or anything but it was hot. This was also the time I relapsed so I was high as fuck and I wanted him. Well we did the nasty and when I tell you, you wouldn’t have clocked him for being a man who loves non-lady butts. Well this is the gotcha, about two hours later I get a call from my clinic telling me I tested positive for Chlamydia. For almost a week I tried to get in contact with him, because I wanted to let him know and I was feeling bad because he had a girlfriend and I made a promise to myself a long time ago that I would not fuck with niggas like that, and there I was, doing just that. When I finally reached him, he accused me of knowing I had it before sleeping with him, swearing up and down he was good and basically calling me nasty and whorish in not so many words. I then let him know that what I was doing was me being a decent person and giving him a courtesy because I wasn’t obligated to tell him shit…read that again…no one is obligated to tell you about their health…you’re obligated to make sure that you’re keeping your sexual health, healthy. 

I was fortunate, my outlook to STI and stigma was reduced once I joined a trial program to test an alternative to Truvada. Plus, a bitch was broke and living in Los Angeles, so two hundred per doctor’s visit gave me a chance to be felt up by my fine ass doctor, money for weed, maybe pay my cell phone bill and squeeze in a few orders of tacos or burritos. I finally started having sex that I was curious about. I have a latex allergy, and honestly since I’ve been on the pill I’ve barebacked almost exclusively. Many people would condemn me for being “irresponsible” or “unsafe”, but those are just gas light words for the stigma they have against people who have NATURAL sex and the correlation to sexual diseases primarily those against HIV/AIDS. 

Look gwarls, the fact is it’s 2021 not 2012, 2005, 1999, or 1986 (get into it) and we all gotta deprogram and that doesn’t always feel good, but I assure you that knowledge is a whole thing that we all have the luxury to have access to. 

Check out https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/default.html for all information related to HIV/AIDS and https://www.cdc.gov/std/default.htm for STI/STD information and options. 

Remember your sexual health is YOUR priority and never be ashamed if you fall to the game. We all have and it will be okay. 

Keep it cute,

The Lazy Hoe

New Year: Hold the Rush

First off, let me say, New Year New Me. If you know me personally, then you know how much I hate this saying but you know, go awf sis. I think change and reinvention is somewhat embedded into my DNA because when I does it, it gets me off slightly. In an accomplished type of way.

I can honestly say this year has started off much differently than the last year where I was barely concerned about anything like personal goals and trying to maintain this little corner of the internet I call a blog. Well, now it’s 2021 and I’m hella late to posting my first blog post of the year, but I can finally say, I am an official graduate student and studying writing of all things. It’s such a relief to know that my writing isn’t sub-par and it’s good enough at least for school. Not a bad turn around from wanting to die everyday last year, to attempting to have somewhat of a goal driven life.

Last year was a year of transparency for me, where I tried to be as open about my situation concerning my grandmother and drug use and it helped me as well some others, which I think I found my purpose in doing so. Even though I stan for transparency, it takes little to no effort for comparison to what other people may or may not be doing to yours; and the new year more than always seems to be a key factor into that mindset. It can be easy to believe that comparison happens between person and person or situation and situation, but we often forget to be kind to ourselves by constantly comparing where we are at, with some version of our past selves and accomplishments.  

In 2020, I finally embraced that I have a codependent nature. For the girls who are a little slow, this is not a positive trait, in fact, it’s defined as excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically due to illness or addiction. I read a horoscope about me that said if I worried about finding a partner more than achieving my own personal goals for myself, then I was codependent. It made sense, and if you’re wondering about the app, it’s called The Pattern, and right along with Co-Star, will truly help a bitch acknowledge the not so pleasant things about themselves. 

This became very evident for myself, when I was going through the motions with my grandmother transitioning and the decisions I had been making, especially sexually. Now that I’m in a somewhat more better position, I can fully admit that the few relationships I have decided to establish and maintain, they’ve either all started in a way where I needed a person or they needed me. Fortunately for me, they have all matured into less codependent relationships and I am better for it, but I have never been one to rush the idealistic in a real time setting.

For the sake of anonymity, we’ll say this person was a college friend, who like me was a kindred spirit. Pretty much they loved niggas and they loved sex, and maybe that wasn’t something to say that bonded us but I was able to see a lot of me, in them. Even the icky weird part that wants a meaningful and connecting relationship, however, I noticed big ass differences. After a month of meeting some random nigga, they in love and he done moved in. I mean, I couldn’t really be pressed because I was paying the lesser but that’s another story for another time. I witnessed within a span of a month and a half, the beginning, the peak and end of what I saw was far too rushed. The funny thing is, after that one, it took almost no time for another nigga to take his place. Maybe not funny but telling, and no, there was no shade thrown.

Just in case the weed was more dank than I realized and none of this really meshed together, what I was trying to emphasize was that comparison, codependency and the desperate desire to rush what should come naturally, could look like and how easily many of us can fall into these schools of thought without fail.

This year, I encourage you all to find a part of you that you want to enhance or highlight and share with the world. A talent, a belief, something that comes from the soul and nurture it. Be patient and kind with yourself. No one…well…almost no one is an overnight success. Allow yourself to be human and achieve your goals at an appropriate rate for you. When it comes to relationships (and trust me, I’m following my own advice), be kind to your space. Ask yourself, what will fostering a new relationship do for you in the long run? I made some amazing queer relationships in the last year, two in particular that made me value my creativity, my worth and my ability to achieve a goal. I’m sure that most of us are just trying to get past the shit show that was last year and if we keep it cute, this year can work for us.

(If you can’t tell I’m currently obsessed with Alexis from Schitt’s Creek)

Thanks for Another Year,

The Lazy Hoe

You Wanna Know What’s Sexy?

Consent as a noun is defined as permission for something to happen or agreement to do something. When used as a verb, it is the action of giving permission for something to happen. It’s amazing how these days consent is stressed, but somehow there’s people who don’t seem to get the message and to be honest, a lot of us are walking around here not knowing what consent actually is.

The main misconception about consent is that people tend to associate it solely with sex and that couldn’t be further from the truth. Consent should be a lesson that’s taught from childhood on up. Sure, plenty of people receive  the talk about if an adult does some creepy shit to tell it, but what we don’t or rather what we have failed to do in previous years is to highlight consent with our associates, friends and even family.

I don’t know if many of you remember the essay I wrote about finding my life through hanging out with people who are like me. Well, what I left out was an incident that had occurred while we were at a dive bar. Now don’t judge me because prior to even stepping out, I didn’t know that my friends wanted to go out and mingle amidst the pandemic.  While at this bar, the usual occurred, we stayed around each other for a little while, but we all slowly began to drift our separate ways and meet up occasionally. A few hours had passed and I was dying from heat exhaustion and the combination of drinking alcohol and chain smoking, a good portion of our group left and it was me and BeBe (see previous post) left at the bar. While the gwarls were sniffing around out of town newness, I was smoking and casually dancing to myself. Now in a dive bar, it’s hella easy to look around and see the popular girls and then the creeps who lurk the shadows and linger around the bathroom to see if anyone is up to some shit, but when I’m out with friends I keep it cute and ignore everyone but them. Maybe that’s why I don’t have a man. Anyways, I notice a guy walking towards me but he makes it seems like he’s walking past me and he slides his dick across my knee (he was still in his pants) and I could feel that he wasn’t wearing drawls and he was getting hard.

Choosing to ignore the obvious, I just assumed he would go and fuck with someone else because at this point I’m not even making eye contact and I burry my face into the drink I’m having and scarfing down squares like my life depended on it. I then felt something go down my back and a finger sliding between my underwear and my ass. I shit you not, this obtuse ass pervert was caressing and trying to finger my ass in the middle of a bar. Not only are we supposed to be distancing but he didn’t even bother to speak to me to even see if I was into that kind of thing. I know that I talk a lot about being sexually liberated and open nshit, but at that moment I never felt so violated. People often talk about what they would do in a situation and how they would react, but to be real, no one knows how they would respond when facing a situation they weren’t expecting. I just remember sitting there going blank and then wondering if I was enjoying it or was I shocked that he felt entitled enough to touch me. Never in my adult life have had non consensual contact and it affected me more than I initially thought.

Sexual Assault is defined an act in which a person intentionally sexually touches another person without that person’s consent, or coerces or physically forces a person to engage in a sexual act against their will. It is a form of sexual violence, which includes child sexual abuse, groping, rape, or the torture of the person in a sexual manner. The term Sexual Assault tends to draw violent imagery of sexual violence, harassments and tend to downsize other aspects of it. Out of all the things I’ve experienced sexually, this is the one thing that has made me really look at mothafuckas like bitch, who the fuck raised you?

The old predators of yesteryear would argue that once they’ve talked a bitch into sleeping with them, then it’s a greenlight from there on out. That is not the fucking case and couldn’t be further from the truth. If you was talking mad shit via text about how you was gonna take that nigga’s soul, and when you get there you choke up and now you don’t think you can pull through, you can end it. If you’ve been at their crib for over twelve hours taking backshots after backshots and all of a sudden ain’t feeling their love anymore, if you say stop then anything beyond that point is assault. Mothafuckas really need to learn to listen and stop moving like a creep. 

Remember kids, consent is not only sexy, it’s MANDATORY.

The Lazy Hoe

Your Honor, I’m a Freak Bitch

What a time to be alive. Aside from the festering sore that is existence in this chaotic world, sexual liberation and positivity has been in constant progression. From the abolishment of slut shaming to the praise of sexual promiscuity and owning one’s sexuality like an in season ass accessory. With this also comes it’s dual opposite that is ashiness and misogyny and rape culture, because let’s be real, all that shit goes hand in hand. Because of this, I’m sure that’s why it’s so easy for us to call the shit out as easily as we do irl and online. Somehow, I feel that we can all agree that because of that duality, patriarchal and christain “standards” or rather “shame” when it comes to certain sexual acts or “kinks” that we may all enjoy.

When WAP (Wet Ass Pussy x Cardi B & Megan Thee Stallion) dropped, I felt like it was gospel sent from the ancestors to make us feel self worth in its entirity and Megan made me proud as fuck to be from this shit state of Texas. I can tell you within the first two minutes, several of my kinks had been identified and that’s when I thought to myself, why is that we are naturally conditioned to be shy about what makes us enjoy sex? It’s simple, we still fear judgment and don’t want to be too different or ostracized for what many may not understand. It’s like everyone loves to use the term “freak” but is about as vanilla as Quik Trip Ice Cream. It’s like I tell my friends, you’re not a freak until you’ve had a moment where you’re cleaning yourself off and looking in the mirror wondering what events led you down this road and was this what your mother had intended for the end game while raising you; if you have not, you my friend are not a “freak bitch”.

Like everything in life, I believe that sex is something that’s meant to evolve, it’s kind of like Froyo for me, so many choices and it’s meant to be enjoyed. Now in no shape form  or fashion and I’m saying that everyone is meant to be wild and free with their sex, some people have modest sex and that’s okay too, it’s just that modesty is far more praised than someone who owns what they like and won’t back down because someone may find it intimidating or nasty. I remember the days where I thought sucking a dick and taking it up my ass was sex…poor little baby was playing checkers while everyone else was playing the Queen’s Chess.

I find it interesting that people find hardcore sex acts or rather shit they see in porn, hot, but if someone was to say with a thousand percent comfort, that they enjoy doing something taboo to some, like WS or breath controle, eating ass or purposely taking BHG (the date rape drug) on purpose, then people are quick to turn their nose up or make jokes about things they don’t necessarily understand and more than likely being shamed into hiding their curiosity. In my sexual travels, I have met a lot of people who got into a lot of different things and I believe as my age matures, so do my personal fetishes and kinks. A good majority of them have been people who have repressed what they desire or enjoy because they are in a relationship with someone who doesn’t know about it or they don’t get into it and now their partner has a desire that can’t be fulfilled.

I’m no expert but to me, next to being broke and can’t pay the bills, being sexually incompatible or repressed leads to gradual resentment, unhappiness and if in a monogamous relationship, drives them to cheat. 

Sexual Repression or Sexual Shame is a byproduct of the fucked up European Christain patriarchy that we have been following and subconsciously subscribing to since we’ve been born. It keeps women in “place” and paints the picture that anyone who isn’t cis and straight, a sexual deviant, espeically if they own it with little to no fear with major expression.

Stigma is a natural part of our human experience. It’s normal to feel what we feel, especially if we aren’t liberated enough within our own minds to know better. That’s why it is up to us to try and pull out from our own understanding and to diminish the misconceptions not only about things that bring us pleasure but other things we may not understand as well.

Remember, as long as you’re not hurting anyone (and if you’re into that kind of thing, only with consent), then let your freak flag fly. 

Anytime, Anyplace.

The Lazy Hoe